I Don’t Know

I don’t know that much about dementia.

I know it causes a deteriorating mental state
I know she can barely remember me
I know its a symptom, but of what?
I know it can cause short term memory loss
I know a woman who scared the life of of me doesn’t remember doing it
I know she bought a blender, and gave it to me because she didn’t remember why she bought it
I know it can cause you to be more repetitive with your stories
I know if you steer a person with it in the right direction, they can be much more free with their stories
I know its not a normal part of aging
I know my grandma has it

She’s been receiving ‘proper care’ and is finally living near family, but I just actually found out today.
This post is dedicated to her.

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Vogon Envy

I finally start to feel back to normal.
And then he calls.
I never knew long distance could be so hard. We have been long distance practically our entire relationship. It started at a job, where lots of rules were on place. Then at home we live 3 hours away from each other, making a quick date impossible. At school, I am even farther away, and I thought I could handle him being back at the place we met, without me.
I never cry, I don’t usually consider myself very emotional, which is funny because I write poetry. But poetry is my release. Instead of crying I write.
I can count on my hand the times I’ve cried in the past 3 years, but tonight, I am still crying. I try to believe that it is not because of him, CM has to do what he loves, I’m just missing him so much. Sorry but not sorry about the whining. I wrote him a letter and he just got it today and said he would sleep with it under his pillow. The jerk, he knows just what to say to make me love him even more and he might realize it or he might not, but I don’t even care.
And you know what? I am an ugly crier, and not ashamed to admit it.
I get the works, the tears streaming down my face, the blotchy red skin. Sometimes, I even get an allergic reaction from being so sensitive. It is magic.
I should really just take a lesson from the Vogons. They’ve got their stuff sorted out. A Vogon wouldn’t even save it’s grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without the proper paperwork. Not that I’m saying I want to be bureaucratic, but if I could quash my emotions like that right now it might be nice.
I actually feel better now that I’ve written it down. I guess you all are like my vent, so sorry for blowing off all this steam on you! I’ll be cheerful tomorrow, because I’m ending ‘me time’ it has gone on far too long. I’m an extrovert by nature, and I’ve realized I can’t rely on Netflix and meditation to make me better: I just need my friends and a night out to watch Maleficent.
Sending good vibes your way
-notavogon

Do You Have The Time?

I have gone mad.
Quite simply put, I cannot concentrate on anything, and I have new ideas for poems and have six in the works right now but can’t complete them for lack of concentration. I’m thinking that maybe a mental health day will help me to relax, but I have to go through a 13 hour day of work and class to get there.
I was fine for the two weeks when CM came to visit me, the longest he has ever stayed with me. I usually get sick of people after having been in close contact with them for only a week or even less. I don’t work well on co dependent teams, its either me in charge or me following orders. But with CM, I didn’t need either of those things because we were just hanging out and having fun which I haven’t done in a while. I knew I liked him, and I knew I loved him, but now I’m sure that I’m also in love with him. It might seem like a weird indicator, and it certainly isn’t the only factor in writing this out, but its really nice to have someone you trust and who you consider an equal partner cone stay with you longer than a few days.
After he left to go back home though, the weirdness started. I am pretty sure if I meditate I will be a little more tolerable to my friends, so hopefully it will work!! I don’t want to alienate anyone, but I can’t hang out until I get my mind calmed down a bit. The whole, racing mind thing runs in the family unfortunately. Not a exactly mental illness, just a thing.
When I’ve sorted things out or sorted enough to get a poem out (usually I just have to get things I really need to get finished done, and then I’ll be back to usual) I will be back posting all the poetry you can stomach, and some of the poetry you can’t. Prepare yourselves 😉

Lying: On Beds, To Yourself, and in Cleaning

For when you should be lying in bed.

I told myself to go to sleep hours ago, but my SO and I were skyping so I didn’t want to. Why an I so contrary with myself all the time? Clearly I have a cognitive dissonance. But enough psychology and self loathing.

I’ve said before how much I hate he English language, but sometimes it makes me so happy. I write poetry in English for two reasons after all (only one of the reasons is that the only other language I know is Latin) and one is because I enjoy working against the confines of language limitations. Getting your meaning out on paper (or online) is one of my favorite pastimes and I do it pretty often. Writing out normally like on this blog does not come quite as easily to me but it is very therapeutic.

So I lied not only to myself but also to you fine folks because I am not cleaning with lye, or talking about its various alkaline cleaning properties. It didn’t happen and is not likely to ever happen because bleach is my mold’s poison.

I am quite out of it as I write this, and I am not even in bed yet though I have had countless opportunities. So I should probably go now, before I say something too revealing, like the fact that my SO and I were very open in our live tonight, and tried to match each other’s declarations. Or that I only did two planks today but ate the equivalent of two packages of Twix bars…
So before all of that damning evidence, good night and good riddance.

That Was a Pretty Dumb Idea

Planning a fight was probably not the best thing to do for many reasons. But to ease everyone’s minds, we didn’t actually go through with it. Although we would eventually like to see how we handle disagreement, we decided that being happy is more important than instigating fights. Which should really be common knowledge guys. Just saying.
The reasons why we did not end up fighting are:
First of all, we get along really well and neither of us (at least I hope) is conceding even if we do disagree.
Second, what if I had actually gotten mad about something and not wanted to talk to him? I’d be devastated, and since we don’t live in the same state it would be all too easy to avoid him.
Third, I love him too much to want to plan to get angry at him, or even frustrated at his opinion. At the end of the day, all I want is to know he is there for me, and I am there for him. It doesn’t matter if we’re 1000 miles or 2 miles away from each other, any distance can be surpassed.

I talked with my sister about how my mom made me insecure about having a fight free relationship, and as I talked and probably bored my sister to tears I realized that I don’t have to be insecure. We’re together for a reason, its not like he would use me from 1000 miles away, I mean if he did that would be some oddly misplaced determination…
This is not to say that there haven’t been minor transgressions on both ends, but the honesty is the best part of a long distance relationship.
You can literally say anything to them and still feel comfortable. My roommate commented yesterday that my SO and I seem very comfortable with each other all the time, even in the morning before a shower. She comes from a very physically conservative household, but it reaffirmed my belief that I actually have a meaningful relationship with someone.

I don’t know where it will end up, but to quote a very overused cliche: make love not war. Especially because you should never take any moment with someone you care about for granted.

Planning Your First Fight

I really only tried to instigate it tonight, but we’re planning it for Wednesday. My SO and I get along really well. We’ve been at it for 8 months now, and we’ve done all the declarations of love and stuff that generally come with completely trusting another person. I know it all sounds terribly romantic, and I have to say, it IS.

Just probably not the way I’m describing it right now, haha.
We have never had a fight. With being in a long distance relationship, it seems silly to fight and we don’t usually get that deep into conversations that we disagree on but I am finally going to take the plunge. This may be a horrible idea, especially since I wanted it to be about something that we both feel very strongly about … but it probably needs to happen. We trust each other enough to be okay with it, and have both been thinking the same way about it.
When I brought it up tonight, he agreed … another reason we need it to happen.

Planning your first argument, a lot of things run though your head
-What if we break up from this polarizing topic?
-Does he love me enough to not yell?
-What will being yelled at be like?
-What if there are literally no topics we disagree on? Is it weird to date yourself?
I cannot say for sure if any of these things will happen because obviously we are not the same people and are actually very calm in arguments with other people.

But insecurity remains! I just hope this argument won’t get the best of our relationship, because I really do love my SO – ClassyMan for all of you who follow ohthevogonity, my other site. If I had to use one cliche expression to describe him it would be that he is the bee’s knees. And that’s no joke.

A Snip of Wisdom #3

No matter how hard you try not to, you may end up breaking a few hearts. The only way to make it better is to mend someone else’s.

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